Anticipatory Grief

05 Friday Jul 2024

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in Uncategorized

Tags

acceptance, aging parents, anticipatory grief, coping, Grief, ill parent, Loss, only child, positive thinking, Self Care, sibings, surviving, trying times

I wasn’t always an only child and then in an instant I became one.

My brother Alan and I used to talk daily and most times, more than once a day. Though he moved to Florida in 1996, we were always there for each other. When times got tough, such as his divorce, my husband needing surgery or the loss of my Dad, he’d fly up immediately. We’d comfort each other and be there for each other. We always were and I thought we always would be until we were very old.

There was a certain rhythm to our sibling-ship. The way we interacted with each other, whether we were connecting or whether we were arguing. It was unique and it was ours. It was special and in an instant, it was gone.

It was and still is extremely painful to no longer have Alan in my life. Years later, the loss is felt even more knowing that my Mom’s health is declining. She has been on dialysis since 2018 and in the past week, she has been to the ER twice for a fall that left her with 11 stitches in her arm. They also found she has pneumonia in one of her lungs.

It is so difficult to not have a sibling to share the responsibility of everything with. It is very isolating and it takes a huge emotional toll on me. Though my husband helps out tremendously, there is still no replacement for a sibling when dealing with a parent’s illness. I am the only one to make decisions and I carry all of the responsibility and all of the stress.

The range of my emotions is extensive: guilt, worry, anger, helplessness, anxiety and more. I am losing sleep and my brain is on constant overload. I live with anticipatory grief every single day of my life.

I lost my hero, my rock – my Dad – in addition to losing my only sibling. I now live with the constant fear of losing my Mom. It’s far more than anyone knows or understands. As hard as the loss is going to be, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that it would be easier to get through day-by-day with my brother by my side. We could reminisce, talk, help each other, laugh together, cry together and so much more. All of the things that are necessary to heal have been taken away from me and knowing I won’t experience any of them absolutely terrifies me.

I have no choice other than to cope with my mom’s health. Here are some things I find helpful.

Express your feelings. Expressing feelings is crucial. Talk to loved ones and close friends so that your emotions are not bottled up. As you know, holding in strong emotions can be detrimental for your overall health.

Spend time with loved ones. Spend time with close friends and family and live in the present moment enjoying their company. Even laughing for a few seconds helps for a short time.

Find an expressive outlet. For me, it’s singing. I am a lead singer in my band, Daze of Dari and it’s an amazing stress reliever for me. Whether it’s a couple of hours with my band practicing or performing at an actual gig, the time spent doing what I love is a wonderful outlet and distraction. By expressing yourself through something you really enjoy you can relieve any anxiety or sadness even for a little while.

Journal. Journal. Journal. Writing in a journal takes those thoughts in your head and gets them onto paper. Writing is therapeutic in so many ways. Gratitude journals are also important at this time. Daily expressions of gratitude are known to help your mental and physical health. Gratitude journals can decrease depression and anxiety. Gratitude journals allow you to experience joy and peace. Journal daily.

Seek out a therapist. Can close friends and family listen? Of course they can but a professional therapist offers coping mechanisms as well as so much more.

Take care of yourself. Stress levels are much higher for those dealing with parents who are ill. It is important that you take steps to take care of your own health.

Eat healthy food. A healthy diet is so important. Stay away from eating processed frozen meals or eating on-the-go fast food. Eat at home and prepare meals that you can take with you.

Exercise. Take the time to move. Whether it be working out at a gym, running or going for a walk, just move. Exercise reduces stress and helps with mental clarity.

Do something fun. I know that this can sometime seem impossible but it’s really an important thing to implement into your life. Even going out for dinner with a close friend or watching a movie can take your mind off of things for a couple of hours.

Ask for help. If you need help, ask for it. Sometimes a close friend can pick up a couple of things for you at the grocery store. You can have things delivered. If you have children, ask someone to watch them if you need time that only you can take care of. Any help you allow yourself to accept will help you cope with your parent’s illness by giving you less things to do.

Practice positive thinking. Remember how powerful your mind is. Try to focus on the positives to keep yourself moving forward. Use tools that motivate you whether it’s reading, focusing on a hobby or simply implementing positive thinking. You can meditate to bring yourself back to center and a more calm state.

Focusing on the positives and doing things that you enjoy can keep your mind out of that dark place of despair, stress, sorrow and exhaustion. To see how much your parent has changed is overwhelming. The emotions are unavoidable but the more you implement positive focus into your day, the more your mind will stay out of that deep and scary place.

Accept what is. As much as we want to fix our parent’s health and rewind time so that they become who they once were, unfortunately we can’t. We need to accept what is. Accepting a situation allows you to respond in a better way. It will enable you to support your loved one rather than trying to fix the unfixable. This is a very difficult task but a necessary one for each of you.

Spend time with them. Even though your parent may not be able to do the things you used to enjoy doing together, it is important to spend as much time with them as you can. Find meaningful ways to spend time together. Talk, watch TV, look at old photographs, and have them over to your home for a change of scenery. Enjoy nature with them by sitting outside and listening to the birds together.

Leave nothing left unsaid. Tell your loved one that you love them. Show them gratitude by thanking them for all they’ve done for you. Forgive them and ask them or forgiveness. Leave no stone unturned.

Incorporate spirituality. Spirituality means different things for each of us. Some of the things spirituality can be are meditating, being outside in nature, listening to music, appreciating art and for some, prayer. Spirituality offers a better quality of life and helps to relieve stress and anxiety.

Know that you will get through this. It is important to know that you never “get over” certain things in life but you do “get through” them. Each one of us will have a unique experience and will feel a whirlwind of emotions for a very long time.

Always know that you’re not alone. Rely on close friends, family and even a therapist. Join a support group if needed. Connect with others and you’ll never be alone.

In trying times, sometimes all we can do is live day-by-day, sometimes we can only live moment-by-moment. We are never prepared for some of the things that come our way. Every single thing we experience changes who we are as a person and many times dynamics of relationships will change. If you can find tranquility in the turmoil, love yourself and keep moving forward you will be okay. In this crazy thing called life, it’s all we can do.

The Day Suicide Became Too Personal

20 Friday Jan 2017

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in bereavement, Family, Grief, Loss, suicide, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bereavement, Grief, Loss, sibling loss, suicide

I vividly remember the day my life came to a screeching halt. It runs through my head and rips apart my heart all too often. I remember every moment. The phone call from my Mom. The screaming. My racing heart. My body going numb and me pulling my hair to feel something other than fear and numbness. Speaking to the detective. Asking questions. Trying to listen to the answers. The what ifs. The whys. The searching. The realization that no matter what I do, I am unable to bring my brother back.

You are never prepared for the aftermath of losing a loved one. Especially when it’s a loss to suicide. No one warns you about the chaos that is about to occur in your life. No one warns you about how relationships with surviving family members change. No one can. Unless one lives it, NO ONE can warn you. They are unable to comprehend it or empathize with you.

I was having a GREAT day. It was a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining. The windows were open. My music was blasting and I was blow drying my hair, getting ready to go shopping at a boutique I loved. It was the Tuesday after Mother’s Day. My husband and children had given me a gift certificate to the boutique and I was going to go use it. I was going to happily go on my way for a drive with my sunroof open and my music blasting on this seemingly beautiful day.

Then the phone rang. My Mom was screaming on the other end. Nothing made sense. When she uttered those horrific words, I actually responded with “no he didn’t.” I basically hung up and moments later called her back after I realized what I had just heard. I called my husband and a friend. What I said to them is a blurred memory. Everything was now blurry. My brain and my heart were trying to process this devastation. I couldn’t see from crying. My head and heart were pounding. I lost all strength. The remainder of the day was filled with phone calls you never want to make and plans you never want to deal with.

It was just shy of 7 years of the loss of my Dad. A loss that still pierced me to my core. This was something that left me completely shattered. I was desperate for answers. I needed to know why. I clung to every single thing my cousins had gotten out of his apartment and shipped to me days later. I searched. I investigated. I called everyone in his cell phone address book. I was looking for any answers. I was desperate to find pieces of him. I needed to piece him back together. I needed a rewind button. I replayed the last month of his life. It was that month that we started speaking after not speaking for eleven months. I was living an absolute nightmare.

Somehow I survived. As catastrophic as the loss is, I wake up each day with a positive attitude and live my best life. I survive the aftershocks, which still hit me. I realize that they come fast and hit hard but they do pass and I will smile again.

Many experience years they don’t remember. I am thankful that I have my children to keep me going on a daily basis. Without them to keep me focused, I’m not sure I’d have been able to be strong. They were young and they needed me. I needed to be strong for them. I still have my moments and I always will throughout my lifetime. I’ve learned to allow those moments to happen and then I reclaim my breath. I’ve accepted the fact that my heart has scars that will never heal but I’ve also realized my heart experiences a great deal of love and happiness with each new day. It is there that I shift my focus.

If you have experienced the loss of a loved one to suicide, please know that you will find your way in your own time. Be gentle with yourself and live each day the best you can as you continue to heal. It is hard to accept that a piece of you will never come back. But remember that life keeps moving forward. Because life continues to move forward, it is natural that we as humans do as well.

We are stronger than we realize and as long as we are grateful for the good, we will survive.

And please always remember this:

When a Friendship Ends

23 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in Friendship, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

coping, friends, Friendship, Grief, Loss

broken+friendship-1.jpg

In our lives, friends come and go. Sometimes friendships will simply fade away and other times, they end with a nasty argument or betrayal.

Maybe your friendship ended over something trivial or over something more serious. Friendships can sometimes end because of one’s truthfulness and the other person’s unwillingness to hear the truth about how they may be sabotaging themselves. Personally, when I see a friend behaving in a way that is negative and self-destructive, I have a hard time keeping that to myself. The unfortunate truth is that no matter how gently you approach a situation with some people, they will not be willing to accept the truth or the responsibilities for their actions.

If you have found yourself in a similar situation and you’re wondering what you can do to accept the loss of a friendship, here are a few things that might help.

Go Through The Motions. Nobody wants to feel sadness or anger, but these emotions are a part of life. Allow yourself permission to feel any and all emotions and if you need to get your frustration out, then do it in a constructive way. Negative emotions become toxic when we don’t allow them to escape our bodies. I personally believe that negative emotions held in the body cause sickness. It’s crucial to allow yourself to experience these emotions. Remember, the sooner you let them out, the sooner you will be done with them.

Find The Lesson. What did you learn from the friendship and it’s ending? With everything we experience in life, there is always a lesson to learn. When you are ready, willing and able to do so, ask yourself what you can take away from this experience and see how you can apply it to your life.

How Does This Serve You? It might be strange to think of the end of a friendship as serving you, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason. After you have allowed yourself to go through the emotions as well as to find the lesson, it’s then time to ask how releasing this friendship serves you.

Bury It or Burn It. If there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation, a symbolic burial or cremation will help. As dramatic as it sounds, it’s extremely effective in cleansing and healing your spirit.

To do this, you will need to write down all of your feelings about the situation. Be completely honest and write down everything! You can write this in the form of a letter to your ex-friend or as a journal entry to yourself. Let your thoughts and feelings flow from your mind and your heart and allow those thoughts and feelings to transfer onto paper.

Once you are done writing, find a place where you can bury the letter or burn it. If you choose to bury it, do it away from your home. You do not want any of that negative energy hanging around your property.

Dig up the earth and place your writings into the ground or into the fire. Say some words, words similar to that of a eulogy at a funeral. You may find it healing to thank your friend for the time they shared in your life as well as thank them for the lesson learned. Speak of good times only. Say a prayer for your friend and wish them well.

This symbolic funeral cuts all ties and emotions as you are officially announcing that the friendship is now dead and over.

Give it Time. If there is any chance of reconciling, let some time go by. After you have given it sufficient time you can sending your ex-friend a message. Send a message either by phone, text or email, to let your friend know that you would like to talk. In your message, be sure to discuss only the good times the two of you shared and how the friendship enriched your life. Speaking in a positive way is much healthier and more productive than bringing up the negativity of the friendship’s ending. Giving it time and then speaking only in a positive tone can open the door to communication and reconciliation if both of you wish that to happen.

I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you.

Surviving the Loss of Your Adult Sibling

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in bereavement, Grief, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bereavement, death, death of a sibling, Grief, Loss, sibling loss

The most neglected loss in adult life is that of the death of a sibling. Though many of us will face this loss, society believes that the loss of a sibling during our adult life has little to no disruptive effect on surviving brothers and sisters. This couldn’t be further from the truth! The loss has significant meant and mourning the loss can be very difficult.

A relationship between siblings has unique and very special characteristics. Much research has been conducted and it has been concluded that brothers and sisters greatly influence each other with regards to identity, self-concept and personality. The sibling relationship is more complex than most other relationships. There is a mixture of affection and ambivalence, camaraderie and fierce competition. There is no one else who knows us better other than our parents and, just like our parents, our siblings have been there from the very beginning. However, unlike our parents, our siblings are people we assume will be part of our lives for the rest of our lives. In terms of the span of time, the intimacy, and the shared experience of childhood, no other relationship rivals the connection we have with our adult brothers or sisters. From bullies in school to teenage broken hearts, from careers to marriage to unfulfilled dreams, our siblings have been there through all of it. They were beside us through our journey through time. Our siblings are our keeper of secrets, they are our first friends as well as our rivals for our parents’ affections. They are a secure and familiar constant in an often precarious and uncertain world.

The loss of a sibling in adulthood is the loss of someone who shared your childhood history with you. Your sibling was a major part of your past and is part of the roots to your past. Your sibling shares common memories as well as critical childhood experiences and family history. For this reason when you lose a sibling, you also lose one of your major connections to your past.

Your sibling knew you in a different way, a way those who know you as an adult will never understand. Consequently and unfortunately, a constant is gone. This can cause you to feel anxious and insecure. Even if you didn’t have constant contact with your sibling, you still had the security of knowing another member of your family was there. Your sibling has a symbolic spot in your life even if they weren’t part of your day-to-day life.

When you lose a sibling in adulthood, it can make you feel older and cause you to see that your family is dwindling. Sometimes this may cause the surviving sibling to be concerned about their own death if they lost their sibling to an illness or disease.

Mourning after the loss of a sibling can be complicated. The ambivalence that is normally present in a sibling relationship may bring on guilt and guilt in turn, will complicate mourning.

Depending on the relationship, you may feel guilt and regret if the relationship was not what you had always wished it would be. There may be guilt because you feel you did not spend enough time together or that you argued too often. Many siblings experience survivor guilt especially when they remember times that they wished their sibling would just disappear.

The adult who loses a sibling shares many similar issues with parents who lose adult children. You may find you do not have much part in decisions pertaining to the death and the funeral. The lack of control is combined with the failure of others to recognize that you too are profoundly bereaved. Much of the attention will go to the deceased’s parents, spouse and children.

How many times did I personally hear “I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. How is your Mom?” Or “You need to be strong for your Mom. She is hurting so bad and needs you so much right now.” These are just a couple of unhelpful and quite honestly, hurtful things that bereaved siblings often hear. People tend to give their focus of their sympathy to the surviving parents, spouse or children. They often ignore the grief of the sibling. Siblings are unfortunately overlooked in their own heartache and grief. Do you realize there are actually more books on losing a pet than losing a sibling?

Adult siblings often suppress their grief. They immediately fall into the role of caregiver for their surviving parents or for the sibling’s spouse and children. Adult siblings sense a loss deep within the core of their being. Siblings after all, are the lens that we look through often to see our childhood. Many adults admit that no one inside or outside of their family recognized this.

When grief is delayed or suppressed, often due to falling into these roles, mourning also gets delayed and suppressed. No one gets to skip mourning. You either need to complete the grief work or risk getting stuck or frozen in your grief. The latter may cause significant consequences, such as anxiety, depression or illness.

If your sibling lived in another state, it may be extremely difficult to accept their death since there is no acute absence to signal that he or she is permanently gone. This will even further complicate grief.

Death of a sibling changes family roles and relationships. This can greatly cause additional losses or extreme stress. The death may change your position in the family. You now may be the eldest and expected to care for your parent. You may have instantly become an only child, or both.

The fact is when a sibling dies, you lose both the past and the future. When you lose your sibling, you grieve for what was in the past and you grieve for what should have been the future.

My brother’s death shook me to my core but I choose to live each day to its fullest. Perhaps I am strong but the truth is my brother’s loss will remain with me for my entire life, just like he was supposed to.

Please remember you are not alone and you are not forgotten. Just like me, you will carry your sibling with you throughout your life. They will forever remain in our hearts, thoughts and memories.

I am deeply sorry for your loss.

The Waves of Grief

04 Friday Mar 2016

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in Grief, Inspiration, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bereavement, Grief, healing, heartbreak, Loss

Can you imagine someone you love, that you spent so much of your life with and were wholeheartedly bonded to, being taken away from you so unexpectedly? Can you imagine being so blindsided and left in a complete daze from the impact?

The thought of never being able to see them again, the thought of never being able to hug them again, not being able see their smile or hear their laughter is heartbreaking.

They were right there in front of me. They lived, moved and breathed. They were alive and then in an instant, they were gone… forever. No matter how hard I will it, I can’t undo it. I look at their photos and just cannot comprehend that I can never see them again no matter how much I know it’s real.

Can you imagine that sick feeling hitting deep down in the pit of your stomach because you know you will never again take anymore picture with them? Can you imagine the feeling of knowing they will never grow any older than the last photos that you have of them?

They’re right there frozen in time in front of your eyes and you are frozen right there with them feeling despair at the thought of not being able to stay there forever because time doesn’t give you that choice.

After the initial impact and when your head is a little less foggy, you start going through the motions of functioning until at some point, you actual do start to function. It’s at this point that you honestly aren’t sure if you’re healing from the devastation or if you are numb.

But then, suddenly, the grief tsunamis hit you and your head starts running away with your heart. All of the thoughts rush in, panic begins and you remember that you have to live like this, without them, for the rest of your life. Suddenly, it’s hard to breathe again. The thoughts go through your head and once again you’re desperately screaming inside for it to stop.

The tsunamis will come just like they do in our great big oceans. They are part of this grief journey and they are a deafening, knee-dropping reminder of our powerlessness.

Somehow though, despite it all, you see that there is something else. You realize that there is something large and beautiful out there in the vast ocean. It’s so grand that it’s beyond our comprehension. We bow to its majesty and without fully understanding, we find a calm in its fragrant, crisp air. Sprinkles of salt fall onto our skin and it’s heaviness begins to melt away. The waves return back to a gentle, low tide and you are able to breathe again and admire it’s beauty.

Love does this. The love that I receive from my children and my husband does this. The love that I give back does this.

The holes in my heart from the loss of my dad and my brother are permanent and are part of me forever. I am changed forever.

I choose to survive the tsunamis. I embrace them, deal with them and hold on the best I can.

Do you?

Love and Connection After Death

18 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in Grief, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

bereavement, death, Grief, Loss, Love, mouring, suicide

grief_is_the_price,-96399.jpeg

Today is my parents’ 60th wedding anniversary so it seemed fitting for me to write about love continuing after the loss of someone you love.

Love is greater than death. Love is the one thing that will continue through time. Though the years go by and you begin to create memories without your loved one, the love still remains. Your loved ones live in both your heart and memories forever. The pain of their loss softens. The love stays just as strong.

I believe even the biggest skeptic, somewhere down deep, believes death is not the end. After all, energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be transformed. This allows for the belief that we are transformed after our physical body is gone. This belief also allows us to continue our relationships with our loved ones.

Here are some ways you can continue your relationship with your loved one:

Talk to Them

Whether you speak out loud or silently in your head, this is the most common way that you can continue a relationship with your loved one. Talking allows you to feel a powerful connection.

Write to Them

Buy yourself a journal. Whenever there is something that you want to share with them, write your loved one a letter. Just because you can no longer pick up the phone to share something with them doesn’t mean you can no longer communicate with them. Writing will bring you feelings of both strength and liberation. It’s powerful.

Include Your Loved One on Special Occasions

You will be thinking about your loved one and missing them. The only natural thing to do is to include them! One way you can do this is by setting a place setting for them at the holiday table. This allows you to feel that they are a part of the celebration.

Speak About Them to New People

Throughout your life, you are going to meet people who never got to know your loved one. These people may include a new friend, a significant other, or you may get married and have children. A way to keep your loved one’s legacy alive is to continue to keep their stories going. Tell new people things about them and show them photographs.

Continue to Make Them Proud

Live your best life, do your best and continue to make them proud as if they were still present in the physical form.

Have a Quilt Made of Their Clothing

Imagine yourself wrapped up in pieces of their clothing. Imagine feeling close and connected to them with a comforting reminder that their love is literally wrapped around you.

Wear a Piece of Their Jewelry

There is something to be said about wearing a piece of your loved one’s jewelry and feeling that connection. It is a comforting reminder of your loved one’s role in your life.

These are just a few ways to continue to feel connected to your loved one.

Remember, your loved one may physically be gone from your life but they are forever a part of you. You never have to let them go. They took a piece of you when they left the physical earth, yet at the same time, they left a piece of themselves behind for you. They are forever a part of you just as you are forever a part of them.

Your loved ones are forever in the sacred spaces of both your heart and mind. It is in these places where you can always reach for them and hug them.

I hope this brings you some comfort.

Surviving the Loss of a Loved One

11 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in Grief, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

bereavement, death, Grief, Loss, suicide

A truer statement I cannot find. Grief is the price we pay for love.

Death is one of the most confusing emotions we experience. We don’t and can’t imagine a future without our loved ones and forever is not a time frame we can actually fully grasp. Unfortunately, death is a reality that will affect every single one of us. It is something that very few actually consider or anticipate. It doesn’t seem real until it happens to us. The sad reality is that people die every single day and it is devastating for those who love them. Whether it is a parent, grandparent, sibling, or friend, the pain cuts deep and can seem to leave a hole in our heart. Even if the death is expected, dealing with the death of a loved one is extremely difficult, but it becomes even more difficult when the death of a loved one is sudden and unexpected.

I know how devastating an unexpected loss can be. I lost my brother May 14, 2013, very unexpectedly. One day he was living and part of this earth, and the next day he was gone. It was a crippling shock. As sudden and as shattering as it was, the pain I felt was just as severe as the loss of my dad, which I had some time to prepare for.

With my dad, there was some time to struggle with the idea of him not being around anymore. With my brother, it was instantaneous. There was no time to prepare myself for his death. In an instant, he was gone.

When you expect a loved one’s death it’s like walking into a fighting ring to endure a severe, brutal beating. You know it’s coming but it still hurts like hell. When grief is unexpected, it’s terribly agonizing and you feel powerless. It simply takes longer to adjust after an unexpected death.

I lost my dad to leukemia. He was diagnosed in 1991. I didn’t find out he had leukemia until April of 2006. My parents chose to keep it to themselves. My dad never wanted anyone to view him as a sick man. He was honestly the strongest man I knew. He succumbed to his leukemia June 9, 2006.

Between the time people found out about my dad’s illness, and before he passed away, people came to visit him. My brother flew up from Florida to see him. There was some time for his loved ones to prepare and accept the solemn possibility of his death. Even though it was a possibility, and we had some time to prepare, everyone was still completely grief-stricken when he passed away. I still miss him to the core of my soul and still get very emotional but I have loving memories of a great man who is so deeply missed. There is no shocking, devastating wound. There remains a sad emptiness for a man who meant the world to me.

Though you may expect the death of a loved one, and the pain is different than unexpected death, it is still equally as deep. Though you may expect a loved one’s death, and you can get a jump start on your grieving process, you grieve just as deeply. Grief knows no boundaries.

A loss by suicide is considered an unexpected and sudden loss. Warning signs are not taken seriously and people truly don’t recognize them until the loss occurs. A loss to suicide is very different from any other form of death. An important thing to remember is that if you lose someone to suicide, you cannot hold yourself responsible for their actions. It is natural and normal to feel guilt but the reality of the matter is that they they chose their destiny. You did not choose it for them.

Unfortunately, any death is a horrible thing regardless of the manner in which we lose someone. However, suicide is a unique death and has a higher complexity of emotional waves than any other type of loss.

The bottom line is whether death is sudden or expected, grieving is very similar. Yes, we all grieve differently but the coping mechanisms remain constant no matter how a loved one passed.

Some myths about grief are:

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. It is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it for healing.

MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of expressing it.

And my all-time favorite:

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Even though it is an exhausting and painful process, and the bereaved experience intense emotions and symptoms after a loss, the majority emerge with their sanity and emotional health intact.

For more information about grief and healing, and for group support information as well as various ways to cope, I have provided some information and helpful websites:

Grief.com

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Journey of Hearts

Survivors of Suicide Loss

If you are presently grieving the loss of a loved one, please accept my condolences. I pray that you find comfort from family and friends during this most difficult time of your life.

I am living proof that you DO survive grief, even though it may not seem it at the time. I hope I was able to validate how you are feeling as well as give you hope in knowing that you too will survive your loss. You are going to be okay.

Hugs.

Self Care

10 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in Inspiration, Uncategorized

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Grief, Loss, Nurture, Self Care, Stress

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Within the past several years, I experienced the death of my Dad, my brother, who is my only sibling, as well as the death of 4 treasured fur babies. I am no stranger to loss and trauma. Through it all, my light within shined. There were moments when it was dim, but it never went out completely.

I think I handled is quite well. I was told numerous times by numerous people how “strong” I am. Me strong. Wow.

Just recently I battled a pretty serious illness which I am presently healing from. I think the years of grief had finally caught up to me. This came from being “strong” and holding so much in. After all, my children deserve to have a happy Mommy. My husband deserves a happy wife and my Mom needs me to be strong for her. Everyone told me I needed to be strong for my Mom, husband and children. That’s me. Strong.

I’m absolutely fabulous at taking care of others. I do whatever it takes to ensure that my home is the most nurturing, happy, warm, loving fun home it can be. We are a very close family and I am supportive, understanding and overwhelmingly doting. Apparently, I neglected to take complete care of me and it BOOM! It finally caught up to me.

Yes I eat healthy, exercise and try to get plenty of rest. I don’t drink, smoke or do anything detrimental to my health. Apparently, this wasn’t enough. I continued my life in the normal fashion. I didn’t take the appropriate time for me and the self-care I so obviously needed.

It is very important that you take this away with you: When you are going through a tough time, it’s crucial to not get caught up in things that will only bring you and your body more stress. You need to remove yourself from situations that will hinder your healing.

One thing that is so easy to do is to get wrapped up in the situations and emotions of our friends. This is all to common and it’s considered a normal part of our relationships. However, when you are going through your own personal turmoil, it is simply not the time to take on others’ burdens. It is draining to your own energy. Listening to the emotions of others can sometimes even cause those emotions to be stirred up in ourselves, especially if we are able relate to their situation. Our energy needs to be conserved for our own healing and our own well-being.

Another thing we need to do is accept ourselves. This means that we need to accept who we are and what we are capable of at the present moment. Are you able to do that? Are you able to truly and honestly recognize that there are times when you just won’t be 100% and off-the-chart spectacular? Are you able to realize that there are going to be times that your energy is depleted and you can only do so much? Don’t beat yourself up because you’re not the Superhero you want to be at that given point in your life. Hang up the cape for a while. It will be there when you are ready.

When you are going through unusual stress, you need to embrace what helps you feel good. What used to bring you tremendous joy or relaxation may not be working and you’ll sometimes need to shift your surroundings. You need to pay close attention to your own needs and what will work at this particular moment in time. If things aren’t nourishing your soul, don’t do them. There will be time to get back into those things when you’re feeling up to it. Don’t ever let anyone rush you or tell you it will be good for you. It may be good for you in general but if you aren’t ready, it’s not good for you at that time.

If you feel super busy, please take the time to unwind. And when I say unwind, I don’t mean sitting on the couch staring at your smart phone looking social media such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, answering emails or surfing the web. It’s so easy to get caught up in it. On one hand, it connects us to so much, but on the other, it robs us of being present, really present, in the moment and what truly matters. You need to be present in your life and your family’s life. It is crucial to savor the moments. It is not crucial to play Words with Friends or read your Twitter timeline.

Stay in the moment. Be in the moment. Relax. Nurture. Make memories. This is imperative for stress relief as well.

The willingness to be present in what is unfolding around you will change your life. It’s not easy and it takes practice. You may even mess up a lot. But each time you don’t give in, you get stronger. The stronger you get, the more able you will handle things that life throws your way.

So what are you going to do today to relax, be happy and take care of yourself? Please share in the comments section. I’d love to read about it.