I wasn’t always an only child and then in an instant I became one.

My brother Alan and I used to talk daily and most times, more than once a day. Though he moved to Florida in 1996, we were always there for each other. When times got tough, such as his divorce, my husband needing surgery or the loss of my Dad, he’d fly up immediately. We’d comfort each other and be there for each other. We always were and I thought we always would be until we were very old.

There was a certain rhythm to our sibling-ship. The way we interacted with each other, whether we were connecting or whether we were arguing. It was unique and it was ours. It was special and in an instant, it was gone.

It was and still is extremely painful to no longer have Alan in my life. Years later, the loss is felt even more knowing that my Mom’s health is declining. She has been on dialysis since 2018 and in the past week, she has been to the ER twice for a fall that left her with 11 stitches in her arm. They also found she has pneumonia in one of her lungs.

It is so difficult to not have a sibling to share the responsibility of everything with. It is very isolating and it takes a huge emotional toll on me. Though my husband helps out tremendously, there is still no replacement for a sibling when dealing with a parent’s illness. I am the only one to make decisions and I carry all of the responsibility and all of the stress.

The range of my emotions is extensive: guilt, worry, anger, helplessness, anxiety and more. I am losing sleep and my brain is on constant overload. I live with anticipatory grief every single day of my life.

I lost my hero, my rock – my Dad – in addition to losing my only sibling. I now live with the constant fear of losing my Mom. It’s far more than anyone knows or understands. As hard as the loss is going to be, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that it would be easier to get through day-by-day with my brother by my side. We could reminisce, talk, help each other, laugh together, cry together and so much more. All of the things that are necessary to heal have been taken away from me and knowing I won’t experience any of them absolutely terrifies me.

I have no choice other than to cope with my mom’s health. Here are some things I find helpful.

Express your feelings. Expressing feelings is crucial. Talk to loved ones and close friends so that your emotions are not bottled up. As you know, holding in strong emotions can be detrimental for your overall health.

Spend time with loved ones. Spend time with close friends and family and live in the present moment enjoying their company. Even laughing for a few seconds helps for a short time.

Find an expressive outlet. For me, it’s singing. I am a lead singer in my band, Daze of Dari and it’s an amazing stress reliever for me. Whether it’s a couple of hours with my band practicing or performing at an actual gig, the time spent doing what I love is a wonderful outlet and distraction. By expressing yourself through something you really enjoy you can relieve any anxiety or sadness even for a little while.

Journal. Journal. Journal. Writing in a journal takes those thoughts in your head and gets them onto paper. Writing is therapeutic in so many ways. Gratitude journals are also important at this time. Daily expressions of gratitude are known to help your mental and physical health. Gratitude journals can decrease depression and anxiety. Gratitude journals allow you to experience joy and peace. Journal daily.

Seek out a therapist. Can close friends and family listen? Of course they can but a professional therapist offers coping mechanisms as well as so much more.

Take care of yourself. Stress levels are much higher for those dealing with parents who are ill. It is important that you take steps to take care of your own health.

Eat healthy food. A healthy diet is so important. Stay away from eating processed frozen meals or eating on-the-go fast food. Eat at home and prepare meals that you can take with you.

Exercise. Take the time to move. Whether it be working out at a gym, running or going for a walk, just move. Exercise reduces stress and helps with mental clarity.

Do something fun. I know that this can sometime seem impossible but it’s really an important thing to implement into your life. Even going out for dinner with a close friend or watching a movie can take your mind off of things for a couple of hours.

Ask for help. If you need help, ask for it. Sometimes a close friend can pick up a couple of things for you at the grocery store. You can have things delivered. If you have children, ask someone to watch them if you need time that only you can take care of. Any help you allow yourself to accept will help you cope with your parent’s illness by giving you less things to do.

Practice positive thinking. Remember how powerful your mind is. Try to focus on the positives to keep yourself moving forward. Use tools that motivate you whether it’s reading, focusing on a hobby or simply implementing positive thinking. You can meditate to bring yourself back to center and a more calm state.

Focusing on the positives and doing things that you enjoy can keep your mind out of that dark place of despair, stress, sorrow and exhaustion. To see how much your parent has changed is overwhelming. The emotions are unavoidable but the more you implement positive focus into your day, the more your mind will stay out of that deep and scary place.

Accept what is. As much as we want to fix our parent’s health and rewind time so that they become who they once were, unfortunately we can’t. We need to accept what is. Accepting a situation allows you to respond in a better way. It will enable you to support your loved one rather than trying to fix the unfixable. This is a very difficult task but a necessary one for each of you.

Spend time with them. Even though your parent may not be able to do the things you used to enjoy doing together, it is important to spend as much time with them as you can. Find meaningful ways to spend time together. Talk, watch TV, look at old photographs, and have them over to your home for a change of scenery. Enjoy nature with them by sitting outside and listening to the birds together.

Leave nothing left unsaid. Tell your loved one that you love them. Show them gratitude by thanking them for all they’ve done for you. Forgive them and ask them or forgiveness. Leave no stone unturned.

Incorporate spirituality. Spirituality means different things for each of us. Some of the things spirituality can be are meditating, being outside in nature, listening to music, appreciating art and for some, prayer. Spirituality offers a better quality of life and helps to relieve stress and anxiety.

Know that you will get through this. It is important to know that you never “get over” certain things in life but you do “get through” them. Each one of us will have a unique experience and will feel a whirlwind of emotions for a very long time.

Always know that you’re not alone. Rely on close friends, family and even a therapist. Join a support group if needed. Connect with others and you’ll never be alone.

In trying times, sometimes all we can do is live day-by-day, sometimes we can only live moment-by-moment. We are never prepared for some of the things that come our way. Every single thing we experience changes who we are as a person and many times dynamics of relationships will change. If you can find tranquility in the turmoil, love yourself and keep moving forward you will be okay. In this crazy thing called life, it’s all we can do.