The Day Suicide Became Too Personal

20 Friday Jan 2017

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in bereavement, Family, Grief, Loss, suicide, Uncategorized

Tags

bereavement, Grief, Loss, sibling loss, suicide

I vividly remember the day my life came to a screeching halt. It runs through my head and rips apart my heart all too often. I remember every moment. The phone call from my Mom. The screaming. My racing heart. My body going numb and me pulling my hair to feel something other than fear and numbness. Speaking to the detective. Asking questions. Trying to listen to the answers. The what ifs. The whys. The searching. The realization that no matter what I do, I am unable to bring my brother back.

You are never prepared for the aftermath of losing a loved one. Especially when it’s a loss to suicide. No one warns you about the chaos that is about to occur in your life. No one warns you about how relationships with surviving family members change. No one can. Unless one lives it, NO ONE can warn you. They are unable to comprehend it or empathize with you.

I was having a GREAT day. It was a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining. The windows were open. My music was blasting and I was blow drying my hair, getting ready to go shopping at a boutique I loved. It was the Tuesday after Mother’s Day. My husband and children had given me a gift certificate to the boutique and I was going to go use it. I was going to happily go on my way for a drive with my sunroof open and my music blasting on this seemingly beautiful day.

Then the phone rang. My Mom was screaming on the other end. Nothing made sense. When she uttered those horrific words, I actually responded with “no he didn’t.” I basically hung up and moments later called her back after I realized what I had just heard. I called my husband and a friend. What I said to them is a blurred memory. Everything was now blurry. My brain and my heart were trying to process this devastation. I couldn’t see from crying. My head and heart were pounding. I lost all strength. The remainder of the day was filled with phone calls you never want to make and plans you never want to deal with.

It was just shy of 7 years of the loss of my Dad. A loss that still pierced me to my core. This was something that left me completely shattered. I was desperate for answers. I needed to know why. I clung to every single thing my cousins had gotten out of his apartment and shipped to me days later. I searched. I investigated. I called everyone in his cell phone address book. I was looking for any answers. I was desperate to find pieces of him. I needed to piece him back together. I needed a rewind button. I replayed the last month of his life. It was that month that we started speaking after not speaking for eleven months. I was living an absolute nightmare.

Somehow I survived. As catastrophic as the loss is, I wake up each day with a positive attitude and live my best life. I survive the aftershocks, which still hit me. I realize that they come fast and hit hard but they do pass and I will smile again.

Many experience years they don’t remember. I am thankful that I have my children to keep me going on a daily basis. Without them to keep me focused, I’m not sure I’d have been able to be strong. They were young and they needed me. I needed to be strong for them. I still have my moments and I always will throughout my lifetime. I’ve learned to allow those moments to happen and then I reclaim my breath. I’ve accepted the fact that my heart has scars that will never heal but I’ve also realized my heart experiences a great deal of love and happiness with each new day. It is there that I shift my focus.

If you have experienced the loss of a loved one to suicide, please know that you will find your way in your own time. Be gentle with yourself and live each day the best you can as you continue to heal. It is hard to accept that a piece of you will never come back. But remember that life keeps moving forward. Because life continues to move forward, it is natural that we as humans do as well.

We are stronger than we realize and as long as we are grateful for the good, we will survive.

And please always remember this:

Love and Connection After Death

18 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in Grief, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

bereavement, death, Grief, Loss, Love, mouring, suicide

grief_is_the_price,-96399.jpeg

Today is my parents’ 60th wedding anniversary so it seemed fitting for me to write about love continuing after the loss of someone you love.

Love is greater than death. Love is the one thing that will continue through time. Though the years go by and you begin to create memories without your loved one, the love still remains. Your loved ones live in both your heart and memories forever. The pain of their loss softens. The love stays just as strong.

I believe even the biggest skeptic, somewhere down deep, believes death is not the end. After all, energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be transformed. This allows for the belief that we are transformed after our physical body is gone. This belief also allows us to continue our relationships with our loved ones.

Here are some ways you can continue your relationship with your loved one:

Talk to Them

Whether you speak out loud or silently in your head, this is the most common way that you can continue a relationship with your loved one. Talking allows you to feel a powerful connection.

Write to Them

Buy yourself a journal. Whenever there is something that you want to share with them, write your loved one a letter. Just because you can no longer pick up the phone to share something with them doesn’t mean you can no longer communicate with them. Writing will bring you feelings of both strength and liberation. It’s powerful.

Include Your Loved One on Special Occasions

You will be thinking about your loved one and missing them. The only natural thing to do is to include them! One way you can do this is by setting a place setting for them at the holiday table. This allows you to feel that they are a part of the celebration.

Speak About Them to New People

Throughout your life, you are going to meet people who never got to know your loved one. These people may include a new friend, a significant other, or you may get married and have children. A way to keep your loved one’s legacy alive is to continue to keep their stories going. Tell new people things about them and show them photographs.

Continue to Make Them Proud

Live your best life, do your best and continue to make them proud as if they were still present in the physical form.

Have a Quilt Made of Their Clothing

Imagine yourself wrapped up in pieces of their clothing. Imagine feeling close and connected to them with a comforting reminder that their love is literally wrapped around you.

Wear a Piece of Their Jewelry

There is something to be said about wearing a piece of your loved one’s jewelry and feeling that connection. It is a comforting reminder of your loved one’s role in your life.

These are just a few ways to continue to feel connected to your loved one.

Remember, your loved one may physically be gone from your life but they are forever a part of you. You never have to let them go. They took a piece of you when they left the physical earth, yet at the same time, they left a piece of themselves behind for you. They are forever a part of you just as you are forever a part of them.

Your loved ones are forever in the sacred spaces of both your heart and mind. It is in these places where you can always reach for them and hug them.

I hope this brings you some comfort.

Surviving the Loss of a Loved One

11 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by Darielle Brooklyn in Grief, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

bereavement, death, Grief, Loss, suicide

A truer statement I cannot find. Grief is the price we pay for love.

Death is one of the most confusing emotions we experience. We don’t and can’t imagine a future without our loved ones and forever is not a time frame we can actually fully grasp. Unfortunately, death is a reality that will affect every single one of us. It is something that very few actually consider or anticipate. It doesn’t seem real until it happens to us. The sad reality is that people die every single day and it is devastating for those who love them. Whether it is a parent, grandparent, sibling, or friend, the pain cuts deep and can seem to leave a hole in our heart. Even if the death is expected, dealing with the death of a loved one is extremely difficult, but it becomes even more difficult when the death of a loved one is sudden and unexpected.

I know how devastating an unexpected loss can be. I lost my brother May 14, 2013, very unexpectedly. One day he was living and part of this earth, and the next day he was gone. It was a crippling shock. As sudden and as shattering as it was, the pain I felt was just as severe as the loss of my dad, which I had some time to prepare for.

With my dad, there was some time to struggle with the idea of him not being around anymore. With my brother, it was instantaneous. There was no time to prepare myself for his death. In an instant, he was gone.

When you expect a loved one’s death it’s like walking into a fighting ring to endure a severe, brutal beating. You know it’s coming but it still hurts like hell. When grief is unexpected, it’s terribly agonizing and you feel powerless. It simply takes longer to adjust after an unexpected death.

I lost my dad to leukemia. He was diagnosed in 1991. I didn’t find out he had leukemia until April of 2006. My parents chose to keep it to themselves. My dad never wanted anyone to view him as a sick man. He was honestly the strongest man I knew. He succumbed to his leukemia June 9, 2006.

Between the time people found out about my dad’s illness, and before he passed away, people came to visit him. My brother flew up from Florida to see him. There was some time for his loved ones to prepare and accept the solemn possibility of his death. Even though it was a possibility, and we had some time to prepare, everyone was still completely grief-stricken when he passed away. I still miss him to the core of my soul and still get very emotional but I have loving memories of a great man who is so deeply missed. There is no shocking, devastating wound. There remains a sad emptiness for a man who meant the world to me.

Though you may expect the death of a loved one, and the pain is different than unexpected death, it is still equally as deep. Though you may expect a loved one’s death, and you can get a jump start on your grieving process, you grieve just as deeply. Grief knows no boundaries.

A loss by suicide is considered an unexpected and sudden loss. Warning signs are not taken seriously and people truly don’t recognize them until the loss occurs. A loss to suicide is very different from any other form of death. An important thing to remember is that if you lose someone to suicide, you cannot hold yourself responsible for their actions. It is natural and normal to feel guilt but the reality of the matter is that they they chose their destiny. You did not choose it for them.

Unfortunately, any death is a horrible thing regardless of the manner in which we lose someone. However, suicide is a unique death and has a higher complexity of emotional waves than any other type of loss.

The bottom line is whether death is sudden or expected, grieving is very similar. Yes, we all grieve differently but the coping mechanisms remain constant no matter how a loved one passed.

Some myths about grief are:

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. It is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it for healing.

MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of expressing it.

And my all-time favorite:

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Even though it is an exhausting and painful process, and the bereaved experience intense emotions and symptoms after a loss, the majority emerge with their sanity and emotional health intact.

For more information about grief and healing, and for group support information as well as various ways to cope, I have provided some information and helpful websites:

Grief.com

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Journey of Hearts

Survivors of Suicide Loss

If you are presently grieving the loss of a loved one, please accept my condolences. I pray that you find comfort from family and friends during this most difficult time of your life.

I am living proof that you DO survive grief, even though it may not seem it at the time. I hope I was able to validate how you are feeling as well as give you hope in knowing that you too will survive your loss. You are going to be okay.

Hugs.